A sermon by the Rev. Daniel Schatz, delivered at BuxMont Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, May 1, 2005.

Sermon:  Sex and Morality

This is part of the human story:

Long ago, deep in the recesses of evolution and deeper than that, every one of us was given a gift.  It was a wonderful gift, a gift of love and intimacy and joy – but it was also a complicated gift, at once personal and best shared with another.  We have always known, to some extent, what to do with this gift, but because it is so personal and intimate, we haven’t always known when, with whom or how.

Some have attempted to explain the gift, limiting its purpose to some biological function, so that they never have to face the deeper questions of choice and intimacy that threaten so much.  Some impose rules upon the gift – and some of these rules are good ones, rules created to protect the gift and preserve its beauty.  Other rules were designed to remove the joy and beauty from the gift, to make it about power, exclusiveness, hatred or control.  And somewhere, at some time along the way, somebody made this rule:

Don’t talk about the gift.  Ever. 

Of all the rules made up in defense of or against the gift, this last is the most pernicious.  Silence has its own truth, and it didn’t take long for people to create their own explanations for it:

We don’t talk about the gift because it is bad and we should be ashamed.

We don’t talk about the gift because it is so good that we would never be able to control ourselves if it weren’t for the strictest rules.

We don’t talk about the gift because we all understand it instinctively – and if anybody enjoys the gift in a way that seems out of the ordinary, there must be something wrong with them.

We don’t talk about the gift because we really don’t know what to think about it.

We do talk about the gift, and all the time, because all of the other rules have created an aura of mystique and fascination around it– but when we talk about it we seek excitement rather than understanding.

    These are the rules and they have come down from – well, never mind where they have come down from.  These are the rules.  We don’t talk about the gift.

Sexuality is a difficult area.  It is personal, it is close to the heart and it involves some of our most intense feelings.  For these reasons, it is also one of the most important areas of our personal and emotional lives – whether or not we are sexually active in this moment.  Yet open and honest conversation about sexuality sometimes seems all but impossible in our culture.  The taboo against talking about “it” in public, in private or even with a partner is too great.  We have no comfortable vocabulary for sexuality – there are few words in English that capture our meaning without feeling vulgar on the one hand or clinical on the other.

So, too often, we remain silent.  Public speech about sexuality tends to be in the service of an agenda – a religious one, a social one or a marketing one.  Discussion of sexuality in the public square seems to be limited to accusations of sinful behavior, demands for equal rights despite the opinions of the people accusing sinfulness, and sexualized television shows, magazines, billboards, ads and anything else that will encourage us to stare in fascination and then buy a certain product.  When the time comes for mature and honest communication about sexuality, however, we remain silent too often.  It is just too difficult to have a responsible conversation about sex.

The difficulty our culture faces in dealing openly with issues of sexuality gets us in trouble.  A parent understands the need to sit and talk with a teenaged daughter or a son about sex and the decisions that lie ahead, but never does it because the words are just too difficult to find.  Gay men, lesbians and bisexuals face constant discrimination and violence in our society because too many people allow their personal discomfort with expressions of same-sex love to rule their emotions and their reasoning.  Because we don’t have a shared and comfortable vocabulary for talking about sex, the unfamiliar becomes hyper-sexualized and we are left with conflicting messages, arbitrary rules and few tools for making decisions about sex and morality for ourselves.

Instead what we get is what the comedienne Kate Clinton got when as a child she asked her mother about sex:  “Sex is dirty; save it for someone you love.”

We don’t talk about the gift.

Yet if we ever hope to approach sexuality ethically – not simply in response to rules, but with a sense of what we are doing and why we make the decisions we do, we need to be able to get past this stifling silence.  That doesn’t mean sex should be an everyday topic of conversation as common as the weather or politics, and it doesn’t mean that we should brag or violate anyone’s privacy.  What it does mean is that adults need to learn to communicate about sexuality when we need to and to approach our sexual nature without shame or judgment.  Sex is part of being human.

The stakes are very high.  Part of the horror of sexual abuse is the intensity of shame and self-loathing it brings, made greater by our society’s squeamishness around issues of sexuality.  When we demand silence, we feed the shame.  To this day, survivors of abuse are often victimized by the very legal processes designed to protect them.  Shame has a very high cost.

When we have begun to learn to communicate about sexuality – and this in itself is a significant learning curve – we may begin to explore the issues themselves.  At once we confront the existing rules and taboos.  Some of these rules are clearly good ones, designed to protect the gift.  Sex should be consensual.  A child is incapable of meaningful consent to any sexual act.  A teenager or youth cannot consent meaningfully to any form of sexual expression with an adult.  There is an inherent imbalance of power in such a relationship, too great a potential for manipulation or abuse, whether or not abuse is intended.  It is the responsibility of the adult to keep these boundaries.  Likewise, in adult relationships, we must always be cautious of inherent imbalances of power – the CEO of a corporation, for example, with an employee or an intern.

Other rules are clearly arbitrary, claiming descent from ancient tradition but in reality rooted more in ignorance, fear or shame.  The taboo against same-sex love is such a rule.  Rather than encourage healthy expressions of sexuality, this kind of rule forces sex and love into the underground, prohibits people from living free and open lives and forces other people into patterns of relationships that are, for them, false and empty.

When many on the extreme religious right talk about “moral values” today, they are thinking mainly of biblically based sexual control.  Some argue that sex is for the purpose of procreation only and as such it must only be practiced within a marriage between a man and woman – presumably a couple who have been tested and found to be fertile.  Outside of this function, they tell us, sex is a sin; it is bad; it is dirty.   One is reminded of H. L. Mencken’s definition of a puritan as “someone who lives in mortal fear that somewhere, somebody might be having a good time.”  The puritanical approach is not an ethic of sex and morality; it is simply a set of limitations. 

Many of society’s rules about sexuality fall into gray areas – we don’t know what to think, or people disagree about whether they are healthy or unhealthy; perhaps they are neither.  When we navigate these gray areas, we need to be careful not to universalize our own experiences or tastes.  There are some expressions of sexuality that might be fine for one person and profoundly unhealthy for another.  It is easy to fall into the trap of assuming that because one expression of sexuality is not to our taste or makes us personally uncomfortable, then it must be wrong. 

Because we may not know quite what to think, we desperately need a process for making our own decisions.  Rules will not be enough to answer the important questions.  Where is the balance between freedom and responsibility?  How do enjoy this wonderful and sacred gift freely without lapsing into hedonism?

Unitarian Universalists are used to questions that balance freedom and responsibility.  At the center of our way of life is a “free and responsible search for truth and meaning.”  Included in this search are ethical truths – ways of living our lives that benefit others as well as ourselves, that we can carry out with integrity.  We trust in the ability of people to make decisions for themselves, even when the issues are sensitive and delicate.  In this sense, Unitarian Universalists are well prepared for questions about sex and morality.

Some basic principles will be easy to establish.  Sexuality should be consensual.  Sexuality should be safe, or as safe as possible.  Sexuality should be enjoyable, despite the protestations of those who would tell us its sole purpose is procreation.  That is nonsense.  Of course sex is about pleasure – about mutual joy, celebration and the ecstasy that often comes with it.  At its best such shared joy can create startling intimacy in a relationship.  There is a reason why we call it “making love.”

Sexuality is many things – it is play, it is an expression of love, it is a celebration of life.  Most of all, sexuality shared between lovers should be a mutual act, respectful of the needs and desires of each.  What it should not be is exploitation.  Sexuality is an expression of a relationship, but should not be mistaken for the relationship itself.  True sexual morality consists in treating others and ourselves with respect, being neither selfish nor self-denying.  It is for this reason that the principles of equality, mutuality, consent, safety and respect are so vital.

These principles should not take away from the fun, spontaneity or joy of sexual exploration with a partner.  Instead, healthy and open communication will build trust, so that we can fully enjoy the wonderful and sacred gift of sexuality.

Likewise, we will need to learn to be honest and open with ourselves as well as our partner.  We, who emphasize the inherent worth and dignity of every human being, need to be able to ask ourselves whether our sexual expressions are respectful both of our own sense of worth and that of our partner.  This doesn’t mean that sexuality should never involve creativity, play or stretching limits; it does mean that we should be aware of whose need we are meeting and whether we are asking ourselves or our partner to deny feelings.

Sexuality can be fun, wild, exciting and deepening.   It combines mind, emotions and body.  For this reason it is also very powerful, a sacred expression of love and respect.

The folksinger Bob Franke has written a song that expresses that sacredness as well as any words I have known:

      Make love to each other, be free with each other,

      Be prisoners of love ‘till you lie in the sod.

      Be friends to each other; forgive one another;

      See God in each other – be beggars to God.

When we look into the face of our lover and see God in that person, we will have achieved the combination of trust, respect and joy that an ethic of sexuality requires.  Our lovemaking will be just as free, just as creative and just as playful as ever, but our intimacy will be greater, our connection stronger, our love truer and our joy yet more beautiful.

When we see and treat one another not as objects to be used but as people to be loved, respected and honored, we will have in our hearts the most important ingredients of an ethic of sexuality.  When we can learn to be open with one another, speaking and listening with our partner about our needs, wishes and fears without shame and without judgment we will have begun to live that ethic.  And when our society, in its laws and traditions, recognizes at last the equality of love between two consenting adults, regardless of the gender of the people involved or the way they choose to express that love, we as a people will at last have learned that freedom and responsibility can indeed live harmoniously.

The questions will remain challenging.  The issues will never be simple.  Gray areas of sexual morality will continue to exist.  It is for this reason that we need principles that will guide us in our own decision making rather than make our decisions for us.  It is for this reason that we need an ethic of love, communication and respect, so that we will be able to face difficult issues without embarrassment or prejudice. 

Sexuality is a sacred gift, one of the great blessings of human life.  May we delight in the gift freely, responsibly and honestly, so that it will be and remain a blessing of joy.

We receive fragments of holiness,

glimpses of eternity,

brief moments of insight.

Let us gather them up for the precious gifts they are

and, renewed by their grace,

move boldly into the unknown.